Originally posted May 20, 2010
good grief. life is really tough right now. i'm tired and frustrated and i have no control over the circumstances creating this cesspool.
well, that's not entirely true. i have the ability to NOT participate but experience says not participating makes it worse. so how do i participate when i can't control? can i? Why do my weaknesses overpower my strengths when i want so desperately to be strong?
i just picked up Beth Moore's little book "The Promise of Security" and turned to the section “When you are tired of competition and conflict…”. it says...
“Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.” Galatians 5:25-26
“These are some great words straight off the sacred page that we can use to whisper to ourselves when we’re tempted to enter the competition our culture has cast b/w women.” Beth Moore
~ i feel pity for “them” but maybe it’s jealousy? jealous that i can’t be ignorant and self-centered and get by with irresponsibility… that’s probably not helpful. what about them provoking me?
then it says...
“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.” 1 Peter 3:9
“I keep this verse in the recesses of my mind so I can recall how God can work in a harsh conflict. It’s how we take the high road when somebody is begging us to mud wrestle with her in the potholes of the low road.” Beth Moore
~ but Lord i’m sick and tired of trying to take the high road and STILL getting muddy. Satan really wants to derail me. that’s the bottom line. it’s not about THEM its about the demonic forces and i cannot let Satan win. when i ride my high horse i’m an easy target :-( but i’m not wrong, damn it.
Lord help me. i AM conceited. crap.
i'm not really trying to be strong, i'm trying to be right and that is so WRONG.
and i do want to provoke b/c then i can win. it IS about competition :-(
and i am jealous. but not of "them". i'm jealous of those who don't live in a cesspool...
Lord, help me. help me be who you want me to be and do what you want me to do. I WANT to be done w this crap but I don’t want to be done w this life. Give me another chance today. Help me keep my mouth shut and my heart open. Help me see myself through your eyes and not focus on others through mine. And thank you for loving me until i get there.
Lord, help me...